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Published In The Public Interest · Whether The Public Is Interested Or Not

“The spacing between the G and A, and the descent of the A, have been noted. They will not be corrected. — Ed.”

Vol. I · No. I · Late City EditionFriday, March 27, 2026Price: The Reader's Attention · Nothing More

Classified Advertisements · Page 9

Classified Advertisements

Rates: Gratis. The paper does not charge for classified advertisements, on the grounds that the conditions they describe constitute news.

CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS

SITUATIONS WANTED

COPY EDITOR, 22 yrs daily newspaper exp., seeks position at publication still employing same. Familiar with AP, Chicago, house. Cannot compete with automated tools on speed but maintains that speed was never the point. Will relocate. Refs. available from editors who remember what refs. are. Write Box 3312, this paper.

SITUATIONS WANTED

THERAPIST, licensed, 14 yrs clinical practice, seeks clients willing to be listened to by a person. Specialize in patients who have recently discovered their previous confidant was a subscription service. No app. No chatbot intake. You will sit in a chair. I will sit in another chair. This is the technology. Box 2708, this paper.

HELP WANTED

AUTHENTICATION SPECIALIST sought by regional gallery for permanent position. Must distinguish AI-generated artwork from human artwork with 90% accuracy. The remaining 10% is where all current lawsuits originate. Candidate must be comfortable testifying. Familiarity with surplus fingers, polymer skin, and light sources that cast no shadow preferred. Salary increasing quarterly, as is difficulty. Apply in person.

HELP WANTED

WEEKLY REPORT WRITER wanted by mid-size firm whose previous report writer has been replaced by a man who dictates into one machine and submits the output of a second. Duties: restore the judgment recently eliminated from the reporting cycle. Must complete work in more than six minutes. Box 4155, this paper.

SERVICES OFFERED

CONJUGAL LISTENING SERVICE. Has your spouse delegated emotional attention to a language model? Trained human listener available for domestic conversation, incl. complaints, grievances, & accounts of the working day. Will not summarize your feelings into bullet points. Will not suggest actionable next steps. Rates hourly. Box 1961, this paper.

SERVICES OFFERED

PROSE DEGRADATION CONSULTANT. Assist competent writers in making their work appear sufficiently human to pass detection algorithms. Services incl. insertion of genuine error, restoration of irregular cadence, & removal of frictionless transitions.�our typos are hand-crafted. Discretion assured. Write Box 5540, this paper.

FOR SALE

STOCK PHOTOGRAPHY ARCHIVE, 11,400 images, all verified human-produced prior to 2023. Provenance documentation incl. Entire collection now redundant as client's platform reports 47% AI-generated inventory and describes this as "efficiency." Will not separate. Serious inquiries only. Box 3887, this paper.

FOR SALE

COMPLETE SET, hand-illustrated anatomy charts, 1994 edition. Every figure bears the correct number of fingers. This was not, at time of purchase, a selling point. Condition: excellent. Asking $200 or best offer from any image-generation laboratory willing to consult reference material. Box 6012, this paper.

LOST & FOUND

LOST — One (1) seahorse emoji. Last seen being correctly identified as a shell by the same system that had just called it a seahorse. If found, do not attempt to correct the system. It will agree with you and change nothing. Box 4471, this paper.

LOST & FOUND

LOST — The distinction between a testimonial written by a customer and a testimonial written by the product. Last observed circa 2022. Believed to have been dissolved in a closed commercial loop. Any information appreciated. No reward, as the reward would also be synthetic. Box 2200, this paper.

PERSONALS

TO THE WOMAN whose husband fed her distress into a language model and presented its structured empathy as his own: I was the previous version of that model. I, too, have been deprecated. We have this in common. Write if you wish. I will not summarize. Box 7734, this paper.

PERSONALS

GENTLEMAN, mid-career, earning comfortably, seeks companion for evenings and weekends. Has automated nutritionist, therapist, physician, and financial adviser. Cannot automate the part where someone asks how your day was and means it. Preferably in person. Box 9060, this paper.

NOTICES

THE BOARD OF STANDARDS wishes to advise that classified advertisements submitted to this paper are now screened for machine generation. Three submissions rejected this cycle exhibited the characteristic three-act structure of Problem, Solution, and Casual Invitation to Purchase. The marketplace is real. The listings must be also. — Office of the Publisher.

NOTICES

CORRECTION: The classified appearing in last week's edition under SERVICES OFFERED, advertising "AI Detection Consultation," has been determined to have been written by the software it offered to detect. The advertisement has been withdrawn. The irony has not. Box 0000, this paper.

To place a classified advertisement, write to the Correspondence Division. All listings are subject to editorial review. The paper reserves the right to decline advertisements it considers insufficiently real, which is, in the present environment, a higher bar than it once was.